(my dreams all died when i saw her face...

she climbed inside and took their place)

A color swims inside my eyes

in seas of black

and then it dies

a disease feeds on my rotting mind

when it gets done

what will you find

No sinking, seething, deep-black hole

No pointless, empty lack of soul

but a little boy all black and blue

(caresses we received from you)

We love the pain, both he and I

for silly little reasons why

we crave the hurt

because it's your touch

oh and bless my skin with cuts like such

What makes you turn away from me

(i am so messed up)

oh please tell me

i'm screaming out on your stretching rack

(would you please take this knife out of my back)

These are the Things i see when i close my eyes

innocence is screaming as purity dies

Kiss this temple to sadness, this altar for tears,

this shoulder of Madness, this friend so dear...

feeling weak and so pathetic

my pain is my own anęsthetic

to be hurt so much more each day

it numbs me bit by bit

away

Conceived in pleasure, grew up in shame

denied your full measure of love

denied your name

Do you ever have a solitary day

when you do not notice the hole

that he made when he failed to remain

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------

Two sets of arms to make you; two should remain

One pair held and comforted you

when the hard times came

Two lovers to rip you into life; did two remain?

One chose to sacrifice your world for his own gain

You know you did not choose this life, you feel adrift

you can tell there's something wrong,

but what is it you miss?

sweet Mother covers you well as she can

she tries to explain

The world calls you the Fatherless

but Child i know your name.

---------------------------------------------------

x

---------------------------------------------------

He got the pleasure, you got the name

Child, the things he took from you

no one can regain

and Marked in your heart forever a Child

gone without Father's embrace

though years have replaced the wound with a scar,

the deed cannot be erased

don't let him deceive you with words of love

where was love when you cried all those years?

A Traitor is as a Traitor does,

and who gave you the gift of those tears?

stark above the ribbon road

on a naked branch of oak

staring daughter of midnight charades

steaming shadows all around her,

weaving in & out & down

her saddened laughter, winged shoulder blades

moonlight caress soft white face

lifted to the painted sky

save your fears for another day

stretching out a shaking hand,

wretched; can you understand

i want to take your tears

& wipe them all away

but i cannot shake away this need

dark upon the bloody road

naked but for tattered clothes

tired of running from the same old shades

screaming shadows dance around her,

weaving in & out & down

their maddened laughter endlessly cascades

velvet blackness, slaps & scratches,

crying to the tainted sky;

the power of memories begins to fade

stretching out my own burnt hand,

want to get you out of this quicksand

it's hurting you, it'll kill you if you stay

The Vision washes over me,

invading me, exposing me,

... i failed again

Accusations chasing me

while Shame is closing in on me

... i failed again

What is this thing inside of me

that keeps my sickness

tied to me? No matter how i

thought & planned,

it's back to where it all began.

i dropped my shattered sword & fled,

forsaken shield a sickened red

all the things i meant not to do,

i have done ... i failed again.

{At times like these... }

in waves it washes over me

caresses me, flows to me

from everywhere

gives names to me, hope to me,

possessing every moment

i'm not unaware

What is this life you give to me?

Though scattered by my enemy,

i rise again...

Though battle came to snap my sword,

it could not cut this subtle cord;

i rise again...

(x*2)

The truth became so near.

Vision, which once was so occluded;

now my sight

seems so clear.

The road i walk on moans with pain

as i take these steps down Memory's

dark and ruined lane.

And clouds of ash rain down despair.

The silence speaks eloquently of destruction;

The telltale scars are everywhere.

But now i stare in disbelief

from my seat, the blackened throne of remembrance

No structure left standing, no thing uncorrupted with grief

Can i

---------

(x=

carry on? Behind me, i hear (symmetry!/cemetery) doors crack open...

Carrion, the ones that prey on the dying pull unto me.

Kardion... the center of all i am shaped to something else

Kardion: an empire made from the ashes of myself)

---------

The truth derailed by fear.

Vision, once in terror secluded;

now i fight

to get clear.

And though i shiver i am warm

the fires of desolation a comfort

on this ruined form.

All things within view

have been painted with a palette

drained of life

And though i turn to walk away

i cannot escape

that which is carried inside

So should i

---------

x

---------

But i still

carry on, though hope is dead inside me and life is foreign

Carrion, the ones that feed on the dead find a home within me.

Kardion... the center of all i am shaped to something else

Kardion: an empire made from the ashes of myself

slipping dripping breathless gripping

cataleptic poses slowly nowhere creeping

holding it in for fear that anyone will hear

the cracking bone

the sickened killing blow

racked, shake. cry or laugh again -

can't know which

through all this rip

tear, shear, rage against a tidal fear

a drowning man

an undertow

deathgrip

---------------

(x=

a subtle force, within yet alien

draws the Earth up to your face

pulling you

killing you

swallow these words speaking is unheard

breathing in futility

in motion

the perpetual truth: no one can hear you

blades listen better

than mother could

or would

from apathy to you, there is born a new truth

no home

nor harbor

you stumble and nothing's bent just broken)

---------------

trashed, break. try to laugh again -

can't quite reach

through all this rip

tears, fears, break against a barrier

that drowns a man

in overflow

deathgrip

-------

x

-------

blackened iron gates for pain cannot keep it out nor in

and magnetic tongues

it seems to have for this

where can one small rock stand

on this wounded Land

ash-blasted desecrate

cannot emptiness abate

you were not made for this -

constitution slips

suddenly, though

over years

Not one refuge

is left to you

standing on the edge anonymous

and decomposed

-------

x

i've been wearing this so long,

now it's like a part of me

this scab filling in the holes

these million little wires

on the surface & inside of me

this cancer feeding off

the sickness in my soul

when these flies are in my eyes

it's all so very clear

the moon is red alive is dead &

flowers never fade

but some poisoned times i see behind

the world i've engineered

i can hear reality tearing through

the lullabye i've made

i've been scared of this so long,

now it's like a part of me

this nightmare i can't let go

these million little fires

on the surface & inside of me

this virus taking control

gently so softly now push in all the pins

gather all my stuffing tuck it all back in

piercing with the needle

lace it up with thread

nobody fixed this teddy bear

when you ripped off his head

try so hard to patch up myself-

it doesn't work so well

try so hard to get this right

but i'm losing more ground every night

don't know how to fix this hole

& every second takes its toll

try so hard to patch up myself-

it doesn't work so well

i have got this sinking feeling...

devil's floor is heaven's ceiling

it's raining it's pouring

i hold myself in mourning

my eyes are dead i broke my head

they never give a warning...

a cold cold day i look in the mirror

had myself locked inside this dead room

for a year

black windowshades say

"sunlight come no nearer;

you should know that you're not welcome here"

screaming from dreaming too deep

a dead cold day smashing the mirror

can't stay here any longer

prisoner to my fears

screaming from dreaming too deep

i'm not cold anymore and

i'll never be this again

blackened it hard like i black my eyes

it's a fire

smeared up smudged up messed up makeup

against the window where my head lays

stay up all night counting laughing

shadows stealing all my days

smashed up crashed up lips all trashed up

breath one second more delayed

stealthy sneaking bedsprings creaking

thoroughbred...

cinematic overdrive systematic diatribe

iron bonds are brought to boil

stolen jewel for which i toil

a silhouette of cellophane

sacred things become profane

the instant that i touch them to my lips

of untold sweetness she does taste

my hand longs to caress her face

crumpled crinkled acetate

glass spiderweb a twist of fate

wet ruby necklace ear to ear

while dead men scream things we can't hear

run your body past my finger tips

.....

sing a song of joy & love

devils serenade god above

wedding dress of plastic wrap

undone matches treasure trap

tricked & sickened hardwire bone

taped-up bruises still are shown

... i know it, i see you, the secret is out;

look in these eyes: i don't care

you're still the falling star

i've hung all of my wishes on

A long time ago and far, far away

there was a boy by the name of Bill

born and bred in Tennessee

& raised in the country hills.

They locked him away in the cellar all day;

the child never saw the sun.

Learned to read by Playgirl magazine,

sweet sixteen sick son-of-a-gun.

One hot summer day he was ready to crack;

the kid couldn't take it any more...

when Daddy brought him his food,

Bill knifed him in the back,

and left him to rot on the floor.

Putting Daddy's 45 up to Mommy's head, he said,

"You've got one chance to stay alive:

Get the keys to the ragtop Caddy,

& show me how to drive."

Twenty miles later Mommy's head is a mess,

and her baby is dressed to kill

with two loaded guns, a hot pink dress,

and a maniac iron will.

Cruising at 112, he's the man;

shotgun aimed down the road.

Send as many souls to hell as he can,

and swerves to lose Control.

Missiles screaming through the sky

bombs are raining fire tonight

foundations crumbling as you cry

your world is being torn tonight

Surrounded by destruction

by pain, by suffering

Your lack (of love and compassion)

has brought you to this tragedy

You saw my "sweet and gentle" self,

the days i wiped your tears away

you had my love and compassion...

but that trust has been betrayed

Don't say i never warned you,

Don't say i never tried.

this is action, and reaction.

this is my other side.